This marks my first entry since returning from a Buddhist meditation retreat. The reason for my long absence is that I am still processing what has happened to me. To put it simply, my life was significantly transformed in 10 days. How does one begin to share such an experience? I have considered writing many times since my return, but I just haven’t had a clear idea of where to start or what to say. I know the time will come. Stay tuned.   

This morning, however, I was inspired to write as I had an unexpectedly moving experience. Today, I rode the train into the City as I always do, but I did so with an interesting stranger; one who would elevate my state of awareness to a level that I now identify as “the miraculous.”  Allow me to explain. 

On Wednesdays, I take the train to Toronto where I see clients from a rented day office. This morning was particularly difficult for me to get up, as a nagging, dry cough had greatly compromised my sleep. When my alarm went off at4:45 am, the only thought in my head was that I would be able to sleep for two hours on the train before meeting with my clients. 

As I parked the car and walked the block or so to the train station, the roads were empty and the air was fresh from the night rainfall. The sun wasn’t up yet and so I walked in the darkness as the traffic lights shone blurry colours over the wet streets. As I took in the colours, smells and the silence I found myself asking God for help in bringing peace to my heart and into the hearts of others: “Let me be an instrument for peace today,” I said, “and let my attitude promote healing in others.” 

Let me provide a brief background as to why a non-religious, non-lay person might ask such a thing of God on this run-of-the-mill morning. 

Prior to attending the Buddhist retreat, I had spent 10 months studying A Course in Miracles. (In upcoming entries, I will elaborate on how similar the two philosophies are.) The point today is that they both speak of renouncing the self, the ego, and the “I” in favour of seeing ourselves as children from a common source. We have only to look around us to see our brothers and sisters everywhere. And, man, are we all hurting. 

 It was through studying A Course in Miracles (ACIM) that I learned the concept of forgiveness and unconditional acceptance of all people, including myself. The Course teaches that when we forgive others, we are healing ourselves, as there really is no separation between any of us. And it said that our only job on earth is to heal and help others heal. 

It was under these auspices that I asked to be of service today. I made my request and let it go.   

Once boarding began, I did something I normally never do — I walked straight to the back of the car, only to find that there were no remaining seats. When I retraced my steps, the only seat left was next to an elderly man with a full head of white hair and a prosthetic arm. I asked if the seat was taken and he said no, simply asking me to place his coat in the overhead compartment for him. 

Intent on sleeping, I reclined my seat and nestled into my coat. 

“I sure hope the coffee comes around soon,” the man said, thumbing a toonie. 

“Mmm-hmm,” I smiled and closed my eyes. 

“It sure is nice to get out of the City once and a while,” he added. 

“It is,” I agreed, closing my eyes again. 

The chatter continued. Observations about train travel were offered, as was the purpose of the man’s journey today – he was receiving a replacement prosthetic for his missing left arm. 

Now, I have always had a soft spot for the elderly, and having just lost my beloved Grandfather only 12 weeks ago, this sensitivity was heightened. And so, I sat up and gave the man my attention. Inside, I was lamenting the loss of my sleep, but reasoned that I could give of some of my time to this person who probably just needed company.   

He said he was a carnie, a declaration that surprised me as he didn’t present the stereotypical image of a carnival worker. He was well-groomed, well-dressed and well-spoken. 

He spoke of his youth in a remote, northern Ontario town, and of his time spent out West. Then there were, of course, all the cities and towns he visited with the carnival. 

He spoke in detail about the games he ran. “Dimes was the biggest money maker. I could rake in $12,000 in 3 days with that game and with a 10% cut, I would walk away with a good take-home,” he said. “But those types of games eventually got shut down. Some people run games crooked. We never did. It was always honest.” 

He spoke of balloon darts and games where you ring the bell by swinging a mallet. It was clear to me that he had a lot of pride over his salesmanship. And, I learned that he wasn’t always a carnie. After graduating from high school he worked in construction and on the railway until being absconded by the Alberta oil field corporations for his ability to read all manner of topographical maps – a skill he had gained from courses taken at high school. He said that work was plentiful and this was good because “All I am is a worker.” 

He had started working at 14, he said. “Working is all a man’s got. If he hasn’t got that, he’s got nothing.” 

His sharing wasn’t linear, but rather tangential. Amidst accounts of his various, fascinating jobs, he made mention of politics (he hated Liberals and felt that Pierre Elliot Trudeau was a buffoon), affordable senior housing and the bed-bug problem (not enough of one and an epidemic of the other) and family (an ex-wife and three kids, long since grown). But, by the end of hour one I learned that he had been estranged from his loved ones for many years. It was at this point, he began to talk of regret and about “making things right.” 

“They found me three months ago on Facebook,” he said of one of his daughters. “They want me to come out and I might in January or February.” 

“Why wait?” I asked. 

“Well, there’s things that need to happen before then. Important things. You see, I’m expecting a settlement from Worker’s Comp and my lawyer says I’ll be getting $100, ooo after he takes his cut. I made the decision when I started this case 5 years ago that I’d give it to my ex and my kids.” 

I was suddenly touched. He said that it was “the least he could do” to make up for leaving. Though, he made it clear that they were all much better off without him. 

“They all work and own homes. Me, I married my love when she was only 16 – I was 22. But in the oil fields, you drank. You know what that leads to. Nothing good.” 

I suddenly tuned into a sadness and a regret that was closely guarded before, but which was now starting to escape his composed demeanor. 

Interestingly, he spoke of his belief in forgiveness. Though he had been stripped — after many years of experience — of his right to work in the geographic services industry due to a lack of post-secondary education, he said he had come to terms with the bitterness and learned to forgive. Of all his children, his son was the only one who had not been in touch since his discovery on Facebook, but he says he doesn’t blame his son for staying away. He singularly blamed himself for losing his family. 

It was at this juncture, I decided to say something that had been on my mind a while. This man needed to be reminded to forgive himself. Whether the money from the settlement came in or not, I said he should find the courage to reunite with his loved ones who had clearly expressed the desire for a relationship. His eyes looked down and away when I said this, and he said quietly, “I can’t be a burden. The only thing I worry about these days is that I have some money for my burial. That’s my biggest fear – that my family will end up having to bury me.” 

Something about this conversation was turning a corner. I could feel it. I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was then that he asked me the time and said, “I’m going to get breakfast when I get to the hospital. That’s about 45 minutes now.” 

He continued to share and he said that his eldest daughter told him that “Mom still had a soft-spot” for him. His eyes teared up when he said this. Again, I reminded him that he should accept the love and the possibility for reconciliation with his family if it is offered, not only for himself, but because of the healing benefits it could have for the individual family members.  Then, in the final moments of our ride, he would say something that would only begin to register when I was off the train. 

He looked at me and, for the first time in two hours, asked me a question. He wondered what I did for a living. I told him I was a therapist. 

“Hmm, he said. My social worker is a therapist. She specializes in the homeless. She’s the one who got me a chit for my taxi when I get toToronto.” 

I told him that homeless people are just people like the rest of us. We all have problems, and we all have to forgive ourselves at the end of the day – the hardest thing for anyone to do. 

He smiled and added, “I live at the Salvation Army. I have my own room with a bed and a bathroom, and a desk with a computer. I spend a lot of time at the computer. I keep up with the world, with politics. You can stay for one year and then you have to leave for 30 days before you can get back in. I like it, though.” 

And because of the tangential nature of his conversation, it wasn’t until after I was off the train and walking to my office that I put together the fact that he had said earlier that he was “in the 30 days” right now. 

The man I had been sitting next to was homeless. Well-read, skilled, intelligent and optimistic, he lived at the Salvation Army. Currently, he had no roof over his head but this train and, later, Sunnybrook hospital. But his primary concern, besides coming into money that he would give to his long-estranged family, was simply to find enough money to bury himself with. For him, it was about “making things right.” 

It puts a lot in perspective. I must admit, I felt a twinge of guilt that I didn’t do something for this man upon learning of his circumstance. That is when it struck me very clearly: “You did.” 

While sprinting through the rain to my office I realized the significance of this man to my life: God had answered my request. I had thrown it out there and forgotten about it, but my wish had been granted. I was meant to listen to this man and share a message of forgiveness. Because the “miracle” in A Course in Miracles is forgiveness. It heals us as it heals others, for we are all one. 

This encounter completely erased my need for sleep, by the way, and compelled me to write about it between client meetings. That is why, this blog entry is coming to you hot off the presses, literally hours after it occurred.

I’m in a pickle. I have been seeking the next level in my personal and spiritual development for a long time now, not really knowing where it was going to come from. My frustration has been compounded by the fact that in the last few years all of my great teachers have moved on. And, while I understand that teachers exist in all of our interactions on a daily basis, I have experienced the loss of some very impactful, formal mentors. This has caused an angst and a waywardness at times that I cannot fully describe. At the very least, I have been surprised by the degree to which I relied on these teachers’ guidance and support. In order to move on, I have had to learn to place these feelings aside by listening to the small voice that whispers, “Your teachers have left because you no longer need them.”

But, after years of searching for the next big growth track, it seems that it has finally appeared – and it’s attacking me right where I live. It involves letting go of my addiction to thinking. You heard me: I have recently discovered that I am a thought addict. I am also realizing that this is an affliction from which most suffer.

We talk a lot about people who are ignorant, people who don’t use their heads when making decisions in daily life, and people who have their heads up their arses. We seem obsessed with those of us whom we believe have or do not have “common sense.” Moreover, we have come to place high importance on those of us who have the ability to think. Beyond basic thought, we have gone so far as to practically deify those in our civilization who have the capacity for reason. High intellect is literally worshipped.

In and of itself, thought has the ability to create beautiful things. It is a tool that we are given the opportunity to cultivate during our physical experience, and it is a handy and often practical thing to have around. The problem isn’t the thinking itself, but rather in becoming so mind-identified that we forsake all other vital (and eternal) parts of ourselves. The mind-identified masses rest their very existence upon their ability to think and reason, and on the extent to which others recognize this ability. This is where ego enters in.

 There is much written about the ego, but it seems that it is simply another tool that is designed for practical purposes, but which, having been left to run amok, creates a high degree of suffering within our individual psyches. I’ll never forget Wayne Dyer’s declaration that the Ego was an “Earth Guide Only.” Over the years I have defended the Ego’s relevance and have entered into many debates with therapists, philosophers and spiritual teachers, alike, over the unnecessary demonizing of the Ego, when it exists for very practical reasons. But, like thinking, it becomes a problem when it begins to believe that it alone is of supreme importance.  As Wayne explains, it’s just a navigational aid. It’s not us anymore than our brain’s grey matter is us. How did we get to this point, then?

For millennia we have placed significant value on the power of the human body — a fascinating phenomena and the cornerstone of our very existence. From hunting and gathering to the hammered man, and ultimately to the first Olympics, we have marveled over the physicality of our existence and our ability to powerfully dominate our environment. But, then we entered the latest millennium.

We have since moved into an era of mind. At a certain point in human history, we shifted our focus from the body to the mind – our latest toy. And while the fascination with the body would never disappear, it is slowly being replaced with a new preoccupation – our ability to manipulate our physical reality with our brain-power. From the Age of Reason to the current technological era, we have been turning our focus toward our thinking capacity, creating an entirely new class system within the whole of civilization. And then the damning quote: “I think, therefore I am.”

It is possible that this statement has single-handedly led to the fundamental misunderstanding we have today regarding our existential reality. It is a bi-product of the limited knowledge of the time regarding our true nature. And, it is in this very statement that we bestowed upon the ego its ruthless power: the mind is all there is and, when it is destroyed, we are no more.  With such a belief why wouldn’t we cling to our thoughts? Why wouldn’t we obsessively cultivate our thinking ability?

And so, that thing inside each of us that we identify as “us” – our personality, our inner dialogue — when we come to believe that this is who we are, we fall victim to the greatest misunderstanding ever deduced. To believe that our ego and our individual personalities are all that we are is a limiting and damaging belief of epic proportions. When we rest our existence on our ability to succeed in this life by virtue of our minds and our individual traits, then we set ourselves up for the crushing experience of low self-worth. Because we will always fall short when measuring ourselves against others.  

We are more than our thoughts. The famous Bible quotation resonates for me now, more than it ever did in my undergraduate religious studies courses: “I am that I am.” The focus here on being — outside of time, outside of space. My name is existence, Yaweh declares.

In fact, entire spiritual traditions have been built around the notion of simply being. The Buddha’s teachings underscored the importance of being rather than doing. He went on to say, “It matters not what you do, but who you are while you’re doing what you’re doing.” The problem is, many of us, particularly in our culture, don’t have the faintest idea how to simply be. We’ve become a culture of task-driven activity. Goal-setting at a spiritually suicidal pace is considered virtuous.

But as I routinely say in my practice, “nothing is a problem until it becomes a problem.” Everything is in a constant state of growth — be it productive or counterproductive, negative or positive – and while a certain belief system or code of behaviour may work well for us for a certain period in our lives, we may one day wake up and find that this way of life is no longer satisfying. At this point, it is our responsibility to make the appropriate changes lest we begin to suffer. 

And so, I have realized that the root of much of my suffering is the result of excessive thinking and not enough being. I will be honest, I have always been good at living in the moment, and have taught many others to do the same; however, I sense that I am about to experience an entirely new depth of in-the-momentness. I have already been surprised to learn that this level is found in the most counter-intuitive place I can think of: my body. The place that was vacated long ago from an enlightenment perspective is the very place I will be visiting in a couple of months. I have signed up for a 10-day Buddhist meditation retreat. During this time, I will remain in complete silence and embark upon a journey to the heart of who I am – the real “am.”

I feel afraid, excited, and impatient to get on with it. Like all epiphanies, when you realize a long-standing, damaging pattern, it becomes so painfully obvious in your daily existence that you wonder how it went unnoticed for so long. But, let’s not speak of time. I am venturing into the eternal now. I hope to share the experience with you when I return. Until then, I will carry my addiction with me as I go about my day wondering above all else how I will be able to continue being an analyst for a living once I return. I am, afterall, the Thought Therapist?

Dear Thought Therapist,  

I am writing this letter and realizing it is the first time I’ve ever admitted this to anyone. I have known for a long time that I can’t be alone. I am a 40-year-old, successful telecom executive and I can’t be alone. I am unmarried (never married) but am what you would call a serial monogamist.  I am comfortable with this term and have no hang ups about marriage, divorce, or living together. I am very liberal. I am also very healthy, or so I thought. I work out regularly and have a nice figure, I eat well, and I drink only in moderation. I live very comfortably and I have a great social life. But, I have jumped from one relationship to another since I was 16 years old.  

I don’t have commitment issues, as I am often in a relationship for several years at a time. My break-ups have always been amicable and I haven’t suffered afterward as a result – until now. I am currently in a relationship and for the first time ever, I have realized that when I thought about how all my other relationships have ended (except for two of them) I broke up with them because I was interested in someone else. I have never cheated, though! That’s not my style. Now I am thinking about ending things with my current partner and I am panicked. Is this because I have no one else that I’m interested in? If that’s true, then I can’t be alone. This realization has really upset me because I have never considered myself as “needy.” I am independent and successful and feel pretty balanced. This has really thrown me off. Please tell me what’s going on. Am I really needy or am I fooling myself and I’m really a commitment phobe after all? 

Female, 40, Executive, Toronto, Canada  

Dear Can’t-Be-Alone, 

You are correct to assume that you have a neediness, but let’s not use that term, as it’s quite harsh and derogatory. What you have is a need for the presence of a partner. The real question is, what is that need based on? 

Neediness exists because we are not giving ourselves what we really require – ultimately, self-love. But, I must take this to another level in order to explain this phenomenon properly. 

To put it simply, everything in the known universe is comprised of energy. The phenomenon that you experience as “attraction” is merely your perceiving of another’s energy field. Consider this the next time you are in someone’s presence. How do they make you feel? Take the mental experience out of it, and consider the physical sensation of being in certain people’s vicinity. You will note a definite, perceptible feeling. Your mood is influenced directly by these sensations that you receive and then interpret as either desirable or undesirable. This is why we feel uplifted by certain people and literally drained by others. Uplifting people are desirable to be around, downers, not so much.   

But, as is the case with most relationships, we can become dependent on another person’s energy for our sense of well-being and calm. This is in large part an explanation for people who claim to have trouble being alone with themselves. They are accustomed to being filled up with the attention, focus and interest that others direct at them. These same people report feeling anxious, edgy, panicky, or restless when that attention is absent. Instead of learning to be with themselves, they rush off to turn on the TV, the music, the lights, or make plans with other people. All are forms of energy, though not necessarily the kind we need. Artificial, or external forms of energy will serve in a pinch, but their effects are not long lasting and wear off relatively quickly. 

In essence, while in a relationship, many people become addicted to their partner’s energy. This is why break-ups often feel similar to substance withdrawal. Energy is substance. What people really desire is a constant flow of loving energy. The only sure-fire way to obtain this, however, is to learn to generate it on your own. Generating our own energy is easy enough to do. To start, try being as present as possible and eliminate all self-criticism. Then try ceasing to engage in activities that you dislike, in favour of things that you are passionate about.   

I always say that “nothing is a problem until it becomes a problem” and in your case, you have enjoyed the successive nature of your relationships thus far, until the small voice of doubt spoke up. I am not certain whether or not you have engaged in meta-cognition before now – thinking about your thoughts – but it is clear that your inner self is trying to get through to you now. It is revealing to you that you have some work to do on your self-worth. Yup, believe it or not, healthy, successful exec that you are, you have self-worth issues. Whenever we believe that we are not capable of making ourselves happy, we are stating our unworthiness. Whenever we believe we will perish and die if forced to spend quiet time with ourselves, there is a belief that we are not good enough. 

I’ve given you a lot to consider in this post, I know. What I want to leave you with is this: you are being asked by your own subconscious to spend some time alone with yourself. During this time, it would be most productive if you would engage in some form of core inventory. Begin asking yourself big questions like: who am I? What do I think of myself? What do I believe to be true about myself? What am I most afraid of? These are big, existential life questions. But all you are required to do is ask and the answers will come. I recommend to all of my clients that they keep journals where they can record their questions, answers and revelations. 

What you have recently learned is that there is a need within you, but what you are about to learn is that you are the only one who can fill it. It is no accident that there is no one else on your radar at the moment. (You could create one at the drop of a hat if you like, but I recommend that you resist the urge.) You are being asked to examine the reasons why you have always felt the need to be in a partnership. When you do, you will learn some interesting things about who you think you are, and who you really are.  

And should you rush back into another relationship in the near future, do not beat yourself up. (Remember, you’re trying to cut out self-criticism.) The mere fact that you have begun questioning your life, in addition to our discussion here, means that you have opened a doorway to self-discovery. You will never again be able to have a relationship without considering the things that have been said here today. This knowledge invites the opportunity for you to observe your future relationships. Record and reflect on what you see. 

I’m happy that you have begun to ask such important questions. I love seeing people wake up. We each deserve the very best life experience possible. And, when we understand that what we do with our experience is always within our control, then the sky’s the limit to what we can create. 

Good luck!

T.T. xox

More than a few clients have asked me what I think of the Charlie Sheen spectacle raging from our nightly news and entertainment programs as of late.

We watch in disbelief wondering how someone with as much fame, wealth and connections as Sheen can be self-destructing the way he is. Some ask, is he sick? Others suggest it’s a hoax – not unlike the one Joachim Phoenixstaged when pretending to retire from acting and become a rap star. And, still others wonder if he’s just someone with immense self-confidence expressing himself in an annoying way. After all, he really seems to believe he’s the winner in all of this.

The truth is, there is a much darker reality at play here. Individuals with egos larger than life are – contrary to popular belief – lacking in self-confidence and have little or no positive self-regard. They suffer from low self-worth and a fundamental inability to feel comfortable in their own skin. In fact, whenever a person repeatedly tells us how happy they are, it is an indication of their unhappiness. Bravado and self-aggrandizement are merely attempts to convince themselves of their worth. 

So, what is it that someone like Charlie Sheen needs in order to reverse this current state?

The answer is simply, love.

Yup. While we may be tempted to believe that last thing in the world someone who continually exhibits despicable behaviour deserves is love, it is the very thing they require. For it is a deficit of love that has landed them in the predicament in the first place.  

Consider the phenomenon of the therapeutic intervention. Made popular largely by the gritty A&E television series, week after week addicts from all walks of life are asked to cease their self-destructive behaviours and attempt to rebuild their lives. But regardless of the pathology of the addict, the common denominators are self-loathing and a complete and utter lack of self-love. A lack of love creates an emptiness that can be felt in the body, and it is described as such. This emptiness, however, eventually becomes unbearable as it is not our natural state. When this occurs, the void is then filled with an artificial energy source. Be it food, alcohol, sex, shopping, gambling or drugs, all are means of filling ourselves with energy. The problem with artificial forms of energy is that they are ultimately insufficient at creating a sustainable equilibrium. As we unconsciously realize that the fillers are not doing their job, we increase their dosage. In the absence of real love energy, we feel powerless to give up the only sources of filler we know. And so, we cling to the addiction.

But the most amazing part of the clinical intervention is that, regardless of the addict or his addiction, the true medicinal component of the intervention is love. The intervention is designed to target this energetic deficit by dictating that the addict’s family literally break the addict with love and compassion. The truth of the situation, its consequences, and the pain it has caused those present is in no way masked, and yet defensiveness and protestations are ultimately overcome by the high concentration of love being targeted at the addict. It is a truly remarkable phenomenon to witness.

But, if you’ve ever tuned into the show, you will watch how more often than not, addicts will revert back to their pre-intervention behaviours and become consumed once again by their addiction.  

At the end of the day, we can be loved by our parents, loved by our friends, or loved by our fans, but if we do not know how to love ourselves, the effects of this love-deficit will eventual wreak havoc upon our lives.

So, all poor old Charlie needs – all any of us needs – is love.

Hi, All

So, my little holiday lasted a bit longer than expected….lol.

In actuality, I have been detained by another significant project. For many years I have had a book percolating inside me. In fact, I’ve had a couple. But until now, they have not seen the light of day. Why is that, you might ask?

My primary business is called Procrastenough Coaching & Learning and the main reason for procrastination, I have learned, is FEAR. So if we wish to uncover the reasons behind our procrastination, we must peel back the layers of the onion and ask ourselves what it is we truly fear about a task. With my gestating book, I asked this question routinely. Why won’t it come out? What am I afraid of? It got to a point where I reconciled any notions of “failure” as I realized that the book had a life of its own and simply wanted to be. It wasn’t about money or notoriety or an impressive book review – though all are useful concepts, as they promote greater freedom and opportunity — no, it was about giving birth to a creative entity that had been taking up residence in my mind and psyche for far too long.

I have spoken with many artists, writers and creative people, and they all have an innate understanding of this. Unborn creative projects will not be held down. They have a life of their own, not unlike a baby that must eventually leave the womb. The longer we hold our creative babies in, the more painful it becomes. I find this a suitable analogy. And yet, I persisted to keep the book baby inside, unable to unravel the underlying fear suppressing it.

Until very recently when an epiphany occured.

After years of asking myself why I just couldn’t start writing, another fully-formed book was suddenly dropped into my mind! Quite literally. All chapters outlined in 15 minutes, concepts flooding into my consciousness so fast that they were banging into one another simply to be noticed. It was truly amazing. What I learned in that instant was that the other book didn’t come because it wasn’t ready. I don’t know how long the other book was waiting there, crouching in the darkenss behind the grandeur of the other subject matter, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. The point is that I had to surrender to it and remove the flood gates.

They say it’s sometimes hard to see the forest for the trees, and perhaps the same is true of this writing project. Its subject matter I know like the back of my hand, using it daily in my counseling practice. The words spill off my tongue effortlessly to the degree that I no longer notice them. The book had been hiding in plain sight all this time.

I am banding together with another writer to share progress, receive peer review, and to support one another through what is turning out to be one of the most exciting, terrifying, and enriching experiences of my life.  A big part of this process has been letting go of expectations — external and internal. If the book is an entity unto itself, then it knows how it wants to live. I simply have to get out of its way to facilitate its purest expression.

Well, in the immortal words of Forrest Gump, “That’s all I have to say about that.”

It is not lost on me that the emergence of my blog coincided with a need to dust off my writing skills and get my creative juices flowing. For that reason, I am grateful for its existence — and for the growing number of people who are popping in to read my posts. I have every intention of continuing with The Thought Therapist, and will post advice request letters as well as existential meanderings/articles in addition to my “day job” at Procrastenough and work on the book. I do hope you will continue to visit.

Well, back to work. And, keep sending me your letters!

T.T. xox

Hi, Everyone!

The Thought Therapist is taking a little holiday next week, and I wanted to put a bug in your ear while I’m gone…

I am overjoyed to receive your letters. I can’t believe where some of them are coming from! Truly awesome. I am running into a small challenge, though. Some of you, in your attempts to be courteous and brief, are offering almost too little information for me to go off of. For some of you, I have emailed you back requesting a little more detail about your situation. If you haven’t seen your letter in print yet, try sending me some more details.

I want to answer your letters as sincerely as possible.

Ciao for now,

T.T. xox

Dear Thought Therapist,  

I am a 33-year old professional woman who is having trouble ignoring the constant comments about my love life and my lack of talk about wanting children. I love my job, I love my boyfriend of 4 years, and I don’t understand why friends and mostly family insist on looking at my life and questioning my choices. It is angering us both and starting to drive a wedge between us and our family. We are getting it from both sides of the family, his and mine. They don’t object to our relationship or living together but they still say they would rather see us get married. Mostly the issue surrounds them wanting us to have children before we get too old. We don’t feel as if we are missing anything in our life and we both feel that it is close minded for people who care about us to pressure us like this. I’d like some help understanding why people have to be like this, and on how we can deal with our families before we end up with major resentment.  

Female, 33,Victoria, BC, Marketing Professional 

 

Dear Moderately Resentful, 

Your letter jumped out at me, because I have recently become an Aunt. This baby marks the first child born into our family in over 2o years. The mother, my sister, is a little older than you. Myself, I have no children by choice. 

I have observed this phenomenon at length, and have concluded that there is one reason and one reason only that motivates others to place expectations on our lives – they are vocalizing what it is that they would be doing if they were in your shoes. In a very real, though often unconscious manner, people who offer up suggestions on how you should live your life are doing so in accordance with how they have lived, or would like to live, theirs. Part of this is unavoidable. We see the world through our own lens, full of bias born of our own choice and experience. This is positive insofar as the world is full of unique and differing viewpoints. But when this crosses the line from helpful suggestions and tribal sharing into judgment, the underlying issue is always insecurity. 

When others judge the way you live your life, it is really an expression of self-consciousness on their part. A lack of confidence in our own life choices will result in feeling threatened by others who are exhibiting a different set of choices. If we harbour regret over the direction our lives have taken, or if we experience bitterness over a perceived lack of resources, support, direction, encouragement or love as the reason why we were not able to make different choices, then that disappointment will eventually surface in our interactions. 

I have often said that a true test of our friends is not during the bad times, but during the good. It is a confident and secure person who is not threatened by the accomplishments and good fortunes of those in his inner circle. Sadly, many people are threatened by the empowered choices of the self-propelled. This is merely because they hold the belief that they are not capable of the same. 

But, when the expressed threat of the disappointed meets the psyche of someone still formulating their sense of identity and life’s path, it can cause confusion, self-doubt, and strife. I am not certain whether you have decided to have children in this life or not, but I know that if the judgment of others angers and upsets you, it is your insecurity meeting theirs. And so my advice is this: take as much time as you need to conjure and design the life that is perfect for you. Do not rush, and do not doubt your decision once it is made. And remember always that you have the power to change your mind anytime, anywhere. When you remind yourself of the right you have to create your life on your terms, then you will feel far less threatened by those who would seek to judge your choices. It will run off your back. Ironically, you will find that their comments will wane also, and likely disappear altogether. 

Additionally, you may find some peace of mind in understanding the root cause of your loved ones’ criticism. They are doubting their own lives, not yours. They are unable to stand outside of themselves and relate to the life that you are living and imagining for yourself. It really has nothing to do with you. It is not our responsibility to make others happy. It is the responsibility of each and every one of us to be the architect of our own experience. This is, in fact, what those who judge have forgotten, or perhaps never learned. 

A way of managing your families from a practical standpoint would be to hold a brief but transparent discussion with them about your feelings. Such a talk should be planned and not the result of an angry outburst. Plan for a little talk and explain in a non-accusatory tone that you are feeling hurt and annoyed over the persistent comments about your life choices. Explain that you are happy with your life the way it is, and encourage them to see that as something to celebrate in and of itself. If this is not accepted outright, then you may explain that they are placing expectations on you and your boyfriend based on how they would choose if they were in your place. Ask them to respect that this is your life and therefore your choices to make. A conversation like this will serve to get the issue out in the open, release pent up feelings of resentment – which would only begin to stockpile over time – and serve as gateway for follow-up discussions if and when they are needed. I recommend that you prepare for the likelihood of such reminders. You are, after all, teaching them to respect your position and change their behaviour; it won’t happen overnight. 

In the end, if certain people refuse to accept and support your life choices, then it is they who are responsible for the distance between you. You will at least know you have expressed your position with love and truth. I applaud you for living your life on your terms. Address this situation with courage and self-love and your resentment will be a thing of the past.

T.T. xox

I have been reading the unauthorized Oprah Winfrey biography by Kitty Kelley. I went to pick up a copy for someone as a gift and something told me to take a second for myself. 

Not surprisingly, the book presents divided opinions of Oprah, often juxtaposing things that Winfrey has been quoted as saying with the opinions and criticisms of those who claim to know her best. When reviewed objectively it’s impossible to know what the truth really is. But, my point in writing this latest installment of Mind & Mirth, isn’t to determine whether or not Oprah Winfrey exaggerated or fabricated claims about her upbringing, or whether or not she is worthy of the position in society that she holds, but rather to turn the lens on the phenomenon behind our insatiable need to identify and punish hypocrisy in the great and powerful. 

In Oprah’s case, it is undeniable the impact that her determination and stardom has wrought in the world, and for the most part, positive. Whether it’s raising awareness about sexual and child abuse, or making it cool to read the classics again, Oprah’s grasp has exceeded her reach – and according to the book, her reach was long. But all the good, which under normal circumstances would have eclipsed any wrong-doing, is instead ripped down amidst indictments over her indiscretions. Instead, with fingers pointed, she is told: “You’re not so great, after all.” 

Along these same lines, I read recently that Dr. Wayne Dyer is afflicted with a form of leukemia. As a long-time admirer of Dyer’s writings, I hit the internet looking for more information. What I found dismayed me, and probably caused the stirrings that would result in this article. In so many words, Dyer was being “accused” of the ultimate form of hypocrisy: if he was so good and enlightened and spiritually balanced, then how come he went and caught himself cancer? I came across comment after comment that said, if he had “walked his own talk, he wouldn’t be in that situation.” Again, the reason I cite this example is not because I want to determine how it is that an enlightened individual such as Dyer could create the experience of cancer in his life, let alone to argue for or against a human’s ability to control such a thing. Instead, I want to point out the same phenomenon that exists with Oprah Winfrey – they were teachers at the top of their game who were attacked when they seemingly strayed from the public’s expectations of them.

So, what is it in us that delights in ripping down the powerful, in holding a microscope on the actions of our world’s great thought leaders? At the end of the day, you might be surprised to learn that it has to do with taking personal responsibility for ourselves. 

In a sense, leaders are like living fairy tales for many of us. They represent an ideal, a person who, by the grace of god, luck, or special gifts has managed to land themselves in an enviable station. Like fairy tales, these people often come from humble beginnings and, therefore relate to the commoner in each of us. Inspired, hopeful and motivated, we believe that we too are capable of greatness in our own right. Until we realize how difficult it really is to achieve such a goal.  

It is easy to rip down a leader who has exhibited his or her humanity because until we undertake such a path we do not truly know of the endurance, fortitude, and courage it takes to stay the course that results in excellence. But, the even deeper issue at play here is far more epic. The truth is, we delight in seeing leaders fall because we believe it lets us off the hook. It is the shattering of the notion that such goodness, greatness and evolution actually exist within humanity. And if we believe that, then why bother trying. 

It has been said many times over that human beings aren’t afraid of their darkness, but their light. I say in counseling all the time that people aren’t afraid of failing – most people live with the belief that they are already an abysmal failure – people are afraid of their greatness, for with this comes great responsibility. We cannot be held accountable for things that we have never learned. Once we have learned, however, we must honor ourselves and others by utilizing the knowledge we have acquired. 

When I was working as a professional speaker, I saw thousands of people a year in classrooms and auditoriums all over North America. They came to be inspired. They came to be given the keys to happiness. And they sat with eyes wide and hearts open, as I shared the tools they needed to change their lives. But, at the end of each seminar, I impressed upon them a single idea. I told them that when the glow of the seminar wore off – which it would – that they alone were responsible for taking steps to move their lives forward. I warned them that they would inevitably begin doubting their ability to create change, and that they would be tempted to compare themselves to me and to the stories I told about my own and others’ struggles to achieve worthwhile goals. If this happened, I told them to remind themselves that we are exactly the same. Some of us are not given special qualities and others none. We are all capable of achieving the goals we choose for ourselves. In the end, we must muster the courage and take the steps necessary to having what we want. There are no magic tricks involved. We are the magic. 

And so, leaders lift our hearts and encourage us to want more and to take action. But after the glow of inspiration has faded, we are left with ourselves and the reality of being the only ones capable of creating our experience. Seen from this standpoint, the criticism that many leaders receive is never productive, but rather, counterproductive in the truest sense of the word. For it signals a submission on our parts that greatness is not possible, and all attempts at achieving it is futile. Many people see a failed leader as permission to give up; as proof that it can’t be done. 

The true gift of the great leader is the example of infinite potential available in each of us. And if that leader makes choices along that way that create conflict, confusion or discord, then it merely points to that individual’s need for learning in that area. This display of humanity should be seen as further inspiration that we are all capable of great acts and powerful creativity – with and without mistakes along with way.

The pointing out of other’s shortcomings or failures only results in deterring the critics from embarking on their own path to greatness. And so, pity not the Oprahs and the Wayne Dyers of the world, for they are in good hands – their own. Instead, let us place our focus and determination on the things needed to propel our own lives forward, and then we’ll all come out on top.

Hi Angela, 

I am a practicing Advocate in High Court of Delhi, India. Till now I have not dated many men and I am confused as to what parameters to judge a prospective person to be your life partner. 

I am myself, a soft-spoken, religious person and have strong conservative values. I don’t know whether these characteristics of mine are so backward, and till now I have not been able to find a right person for myself. I love to dance a lot and am also an occasional drinker, but don’t party a lot late nights in discos. I love long drives and to go to various other places.  Please help me on how I approach this major decision in my life. (Female, 28 years, Delhi, India, Advocate)

Dear Confused, 

It sounds as if you are a relatively balanced personality. You are educated, with a successful career, but you also enjoy fun in moderation. I’m wondering, though, if your job takes up a lot of your spare time. In North America, lawyers (as we call them) often work grueling hours, particularly in the early years of their career, in order to prove themselves and earn promotions. Such a schedule rarely leaves time for socializing. But, even if this is your situation, there’s hope. Meeting the right person will happen in an instant when the time is right.  

Even if you went out on the town every night, living it up in discos, or taking dancing lessons, or whatever else you enjoy doing, you wouldn’t necessarily meet your “life partner.” You will meet your life partner when the moment is right. And, the right moment occurs when you are ready. So, the question is how can you make yourself ready for finding a life partner?

If you look at the history of relationships that you have attracted in your life so far, you will most likely notice a “progression.” Most of us do not marry the first boyfriend or girlfriend we meet – though some do (and in our culture, few of those end up lasting a lifetime). And, in some traditions, such as Hinduism, arranged marriages are still very common, therefore interrupting the progressive sequence of which I speak. (I assumed that this isn’t your situation). 

For most people, we attract partners into our lives in order to have a relationship and learn about ourselves. When the lessons have been learned, we part. It all has to do with what we wish to learn at a given point in time. When we begin dating, the lessons may be simple, often involving basic self-confidence and self-esteem. These early encounters highlight for us what we need to work on with respect to ourselves. As our confidence grows our lessons change, often becoming more complex. They may eventually involve strength, trust, vulnerability, empathy and other more sophisticated aspects of growth. So, progressive relationships teach us valuable lessons about ourselves and make us stronger and better partners.  

There is a second very important feature of these initial relationships, one that is integral to being able to attract a long-term mate: they let us see what we like in a partner and what we don’t like. The progressive relationship model also lets us narrow down the desirable qualities of a life partner whilst identifying the ones we don’t want. You need to know what you’re looking for in order to attract it. This does present an initial challenge, as, in the beginning, you may not know what your likes and dislikes are; consequently, you may get a mix of all sorts of people. But as you narrow your focus, the picture of who you are looking for will become clearer and clearer to you. 

The bottom line is, in order to attract a partner who will provide you with enough learning and growth to satisfy you for a lifetime, you must know what qualities you are looking for. So, first try and give some serious thought to what these qualities might be and be specific. Next, ask yourself what some of your greatest challenges in life have been so far. Now, imagine a partner helping you overcome them. Feel what it would feel like to have a supportive person encourage your growth in those areas. Are you starting to get a picture of them? 

And watch out for pitfalls. With intelligent, enlightened people there can sometimes be a self-created trap to this process. I had a client once who was so concerned with personal growth that they tucked themselves away reading self-help books and going to yoga and exercise classes, and then went for 10 years without a relationship. When asked when they planned on entering the dating pool, they responded, “I’m not done working on myself yet.” It was at this point that I had to remind them of the purpose of relationships in the first place: to learn about who you are in relation to another person. There are aspects of ourselves we cannot know without first connecting with another on an emotionally intimate level. You can ready yourself in isolation all you want, but eventually you will have to connect with another person and see if you are the person you think you are. If not, the good news is, you can reinvent yourself. We are always in a constant state of change and growth. Relationships are a vital component in this growth. 

So, Confused, don’t worry so much about whether or not you are “backwards.” You will learn about yourself by opening yourself up to a relationship. If you don’t like what you see, you can make changes then. As for attracting that relationship, get clear on the type of person you want – their qualities, interests, personality, and most of all, what you hope to learn from them. This will begin the process of bringing them into your life. 

You have the power to attract a truly wonderful partner into your life if you believe you do. So, don’t doubt or criticize yourself. That will push love away. Love and respect yourself, and love and respect will be yours in return. Good luck! Write to me when you meet Mr. Right. 

T.T. xox

It has long been speculated, the cause of suffering in human beings. Lack of faith, lack of discipline, lack of love, lack of sustenance. But in the last few years, I believe I have come to the root of what promotes human suffering: fear. Fear has many faces and manifestations, but the fear that seems to override all others for most people is in fact fear of mortality. At the end of the day, all of the lesser fears or “surface” fears like not paying the rent, getting the promotion, losing the weight, finding out our test results, or getting an education, can all be reduced to a fear of death. 

Think about it. We fear not being a material success, for example, for two fundamental reasons: money or ego. Not being a material success not only leads to a lack of money and therefore an ability to support oneself and one’s family, but it can also lead to crippling self-doubt and a belief that we are unworthy of others’ respect and love. We believe that without these needs met, our ability to survive will be affected. Without our basic needs satisfied, or the more sophisticated needs of love and self-esteem taken care of, we fear that we cannot live. Food, warmth, love, and esteem are the energies that literally nourish the human spirit, let alone the human body. 

Abraham Maslow identified a Hierarchy of Needs in 1943 which provided a map of the human’s journey throughout the life cycles. He posited that, once the lower order needs are satisfied like food, shelter, and safety, one is able to consider other aspects of life like friendships and vocational satisfaction. But eventually, after all the basic and higher order needs are met, there is a pinnacle level awaiting us – self-actualization. This is a ten-cent word referring to “figuring out who we are and what we’re capable of. It also encompasses the greater search for meaning. 

It is often considered a luxury for most, the opportunity to ponder one’s sense of self, as most of the world’s people are born into circumstances which require their energies be directed toward satisfying life’s basic needs. For this reason, many of my clients report a sense of guilt over wrestling with identity and esteem issues. They compare their philosophical wrangling with those struggling to put food on the table, or to those living in war-torn countries with no hope of personal safety. But this is not cause for guilt. Feeling guilty for your level of growth and evolution is fundamentally counterproductive, as it is extremely de-motivating. Our progress is something to be celebrated. The opportunity to positively influence the world when you are safe and self-aware is a marvelous thing. As I say often in counseling, we can only act based on what we know at a given time. However, once we know, we must then hold ourselves accountable for our actions. In other words, if you are capable of greatness, you must aspire to such. As Maslow himself said, “What a man can be, he must be.” 

So, the basic and root fear – fear of mortality – is something that is pondered philosophically at the actualization level. When the threat of untimely death is closer, it is easy to fear it; but, when you move beyond the basic level and away from death’s imminent threat, you are able to question physical existence and consider what lies beyond it with greater ease. 

It is hard to put a number on the percentage of the population that reaches this level in our world. But, it is reasonable to expect that as the world evolves, global technological advances and the spread of educational opportunities will afford more people the opportunity to assume such levels. The question is, what happens once you get to the “top of the pyramid.” Do we continue to fear mortality, even then? 

Having lived on this precarious perch for the past 15 or so years, thanks to the family I was born into, the genes I inherited and the geographic location I landed in, I have taken the opportunity to ponder the deeper questions. I have made every effort to seek the truth and, when found, to apply it to my daily existence. The level of accountability is great at this stage, and it can generate stress at times as I endeavour to do justice to my life’s circumstances and to the gifts I possess. But know this: at this level, I no longer fear mortality. 

At this level, my truth-seeking has allowed me to conclude that we are in fact immortal. I see the human life experience as one of many stops along an eternal road. Formal, traditional education, “peak experiences”, and an open, analytical mind were key factors in drawing such conclusions. This human fear that plagues the masses inevitably loses its stronghold once an earnest search for meaning is undertaken. The reasons for this lie in the traits cultivated by the self-actualizing personality. 

Such individuals require significant periods of solitude, and therefore spend a great deal of time reflecting upon concepts that are beyond themselves. They display a “democratic” nature, believing their lives are worth no more or no less than any others They are philosophical, highly creative, and are prone to “peak experiences” or moments when they experience higher levels of consciousness. Such experiences illuminate and promote wide-scale connectedness between all things, and involve a sense of being outside of time. Finally, self-actualizing people tend to run against the current of mainstream cultural beliefs, often rejecting societal notions that run counter to their own understanding. They do this easily, as they are seldom influenced by how others view them. They quite literally march to the beat of their own drums, and they accept full responsibility for their actions and their life circumstances. So, for all these reasons and more, self-actualized people have a very different view of reality. At some point, it is realized that death is not something to fear.   

But the notion that suffering is automatically eradicated at this level is false. In fact, it has been posited that another level exists beyond the realm of self-actualization. I personally agree with this, as some days I feel as far away from peace as a starving person is from a meal. But what is it that replaces the lower order human fear of death once fear of death has been conquered? I will examine this in an article to follow.