Hi Angela,
I am a practicing Advocate in High Court of Delhi, India. Till now I have not dated many men and I am confused as to what parameters to judge a prospective person to be your life partner.
I am myself, a soft-spoken, religious person and have strong conservative values. I don’t know whether these characteristics of mine are so backward, and till now I have not been able to find a right person for myself. I love to dance a lot and am also an occasional drinker, but don’t party a lot late nights in discos. I love long drives and to go to various other places. Please help me on how I approach this major decision in my life. (Female, 28 years, Delhi, India, Advocate)
Dear Confused,
It sounds as if you are a relatively balanced personality. You are educated, with a successful career, but you also enjoy fun in moderation. I’m wondering, though, if your job takes up a lot of your spare time. In North America, lawyers (as we call them) often work grueling hours, particularly in the early years of their career, in order to prove themselves and earn promotions. Such a schedule rarely leaves time for socializing. But, even if this is your situation, there’s hope. Meeting the right person will happen in an instant when the time is right.
Even if you went out on the town every night, living it up in discos, or taking dancing lessons, or whatever else you enjoy doing, you wouldn’t necessarily meet your “life partner.” You will meet your life partner when the moment is right. And, the right moment occurs when you are ready. So, the question is how can you make yourself ready for finding a life partner?
If you look at the history of relationships that you have attracted in your life so far, you will most likely notice a “progression.” Most of us do not marry the first boyfriend or girlfriend we meet – though some do (and in our culture, few of those end up lasting a lifetime). And, in some traditions, such as Hinduism, arranged marriages are still very common, therefore interrupting the progressive sequence of which I speak. (I assumed that this isn’t your situation).
For most people, we attract partners into our lives in order to have a relationship and learn about ourselves. When the lessons have been learned, we part. It all has to do with what we wish to learn at a given point in time. When we begin dating, the lessons may be simple, often involving basic self-confidence and self-esteem. These early encounters highlight for us what we need to work on with respect to ourselves. As our confidence grows our lessons change, often becoming more complex. They may eventually involve strength, trust, vulnerability, empathy and other more sophisticated aspects of growth. So, progressive relationships teach us valuable lessons about ourselves and make us stronger and better partners.
There is a second very important feature of these initial relationships, one that is integral to being able to attract a long-term mate: they let us see what we like in a partner and what we don’t like. The progressive relationship model also lets us narrow down the desirable qualities of a life partner whilst identifying the ones we don’t want. You need to know what you’re looking for in order to attract it. This does present an initial challenge, as, in the beginning, you may not know what your likes and dislikes are; consequently, you may get a mix of all sorts of people. But as you narrow your focus, the picture of who you are looking for will become clearer and clearer to you.
The bottom line is, in order to attract a partner who will provide you with enough learning and growth to satisfy you for a lifetime, you must know what qualities you are looking for. So, first try and give some serious thought to what these qualities might be and be specific. Next, ask yourself what some of your greatest challenges in life have been so far. Now, imagine a partner helping you overcome them. Feel what it would feel like to have a supportive person encourage your growth in those areas. Are you starting to get a picture of them?
And watch out for pitfalls. With intelligent, enlightened people there can sometimes be a self-created trap to this process. I had a client once who was so concerned with personal growth that they tucked themselves away reading self-help books and going to yoga and exercise classes, and then went for 10 years without a relationship. When asked when they planned on entering the dating pool, they responded, “I’m not done working on myself yet.” It was at this point that I had to remind them of the purpose of relationships in the first place: to learn about who you are in relation to another person. There are aspects of ourselves we cannot know without first connecting with another on an emotionally intimate level. You can ready yourself in isolation all you want, but eventually you will have to connect with another person and see if you are the person you think you are. If not, the good news is, you can reinvent yourself. We are always in a constant state of change and growth. Relationships are a vital component in this growth.
So, Confused, don’t worry so much about whether or not you are “backwards.” You will learn about yourself by opening yourself up to a relationship. If you don’t like what you see, you can make changes then. As for attracting that relationship, get clear on the type of person you want – their qualities, interests, personality, and most of all, what you hope to learn from them. This will begin the process of bringing them into your life.
You have the power to attract a truly wonderful partner into your life if you believe you do. So, don’t doubt or criticize yourself. That will push love away. Love and respect yourself, and love and respect will be yours in return. Good luck! Write to me when you meet Mr. Right.
T.T. xox
