Dear Thought Therapist,
I am a 33-year old professional woman who is having trouble ignoring the constant comments about my love life and my lack of talk about wanting children. I love my job, I love my boyfriend of 4 years, and I don’t understand why friends and mostly family insist on looking at my life and questioning my choices. It is angering us both and starting to drive a wedge between us and our family. We are getting it from both sides of the family, his and mine. They don’t object to our relationship or living together but they still say they would rather see us get married. Mostly the issue surrounds them wanting us to have children before we get too old. We don’t feel as if we are missing anything in our life and we both feel that it is close minded for people who care about us to pressure us like this. I’d like some help understanding why people have to be like this, and on how we can deal with our families before we end up with major resentment.
Female, 33,Victoria, BC, Marketing Professional
Dear Moderately Resentful,
Your letter jumped out at me, because I have recently become an Aunt. This baby marks the first child born into our family in over 2o years. The mother, my sister, is a little older than you. Myself, I have no children by choice.
I have observed this phenomenon at length, and have concluded that there is one reason and one reason only that motivates others to place expectations on our lives – they are vocalizing what it is that they would be doing if they were in your shoes. In a very real, though often unconscious manner, people who offer up suggestions on how you should live your life are doing so in accordance with how they have lived, or would like to live, theirs. Part of this is unavoidable. We see the world through our own lens, full of bias born of our own choice and experience. This is positive insofar as the world is full of unique and differing viewpoints. But when this crosses the line from helpful suggestions and tribal sharing into judgment, the underlying issue is always insecurity.
When others judge the way you live your life, it is really an expression of self-consciousness on their part. A lack of confidence in our own life choices will result in feeling threatened by others who are exhibiting a different set of choices. If we harbour regret over the direction our lives have taken, or if we experience bitterness over a perceived lack of resources, support, direction, encouragement or love as the reason why we were not able to make different choices, then that disappointment will eventually surface in our interactions.
I have often said that a true test of our friends is not during the bad times, but during the good. It is a confident and secure person who is not threatened by the accomplishments and good fortunes of those in his inner circle. Sadly, many people are threatened by the empowered choices of the self-propelled. This is merely because they hold the belief that they are not capable of the same.
But, when the expressed threat of the disappointed meets the psyche of someone still formulating their sense of identity and life’s path, it can cause confusion, self-doubt, and strife. I am not certain whether you have decided to have children in this life or not, but I know that if the judgment of others angers and upsets you, it is your insecurity meeting theirs. And so my advice is this: take as much time as you need to conjure and design the life that is perfect for you. Do not rush, and do not doubt your decision once it is made. And remember always that you have the power to change your mind anytime, anywhere. When you remind yourself of the right you have to create your life on your terms, then you will feel far less threatened by those who would seek to judge your choices. It will run off your back. Ironically, you will find that their comments will wane also, and likely disappear altogether.
Additionally, you may find some peace of mind in understanding the root cause of your loved ones’ criticism. They are doubting their own lives, not yours. They are unable to stand outside of themselves and relate to the life that you are living and imagining for yourself. It really has nothing to do with you. It is not our responsibility to make others happy. It is the responsibility of each and every one of us to be the architect of our own experience. This is, in fact, what those who judge have forgotten, or perhaps never learned.
A way of managing your families from a practical standpoint would be to hold a brief but transparent discussion with them about your feelings. Such a talk should be planned and not the result of an angry outburst. Plan for a little talk and explain in a non-accusatory tone that you are feeling hurt and annoyed over the persistent comments about your life choices. Explain that you are happy with your life the way it is, and encourage them to see that as something to celebrate in and of itself. If this is not accepted outright, then you may explain that they are placing expectations on you and your boyfriend based on how they would choose if they were in your place. Ask them to respect that this is your life and therefore your choices to make. A conversation like this will serve to get the issue out in the open, release pent up feelings of resentment – which would only begin to stockpile over time – and serve as gateway for follow-up discussions if and when they are needed. I recommend that you prepare for the likelihood of such reminders. You are, after all, teaching them to respect your position and change their behaviour; it won’t happen overnight.
In the end, if certain people refuse to accept and support your life choices, then it is they who are responsible for the distance between you. You will at least know you have expressed your position with love and truth. I applaud you for living your life on your terms. Address this situation with courage and self-love and your resentment will be a thing of the past.
T.T. xox
