Dear Thought Therapist,
I am writing this letter and realizing it is the first time I’ve ever admitted this to anyone. I have known for a long time that I can’t be alone. I am a 40-year-old, successful telecom executive and I can’t be alone. I am unmarried (never married) but am what you would call a serial monogamist. I am comfortable with this term and have no hang ups about marriage, divorce, or living together. I am very liberal. I am also very healthy, or so I thought. I work out regularly and have a nice figure, I eat well, and I drink only in moderation. I live very comfortably and I have a great social life. But, I have jumped from one relationship to another since I was 16 years old.
I don’t have commitment issues, as I am often in a relationship for several years at a time. My break-ups have always been amicable and I haven’t suffered afterward as a result – until now. I am currently in a relationship and for the first time ever, I have realized that when I thought about how all my other relationships have ended (except for two of them) I broke up with them because I was interested in someone else. I have never cheated, though! That’s not my style. Now I am thinking about ending things with my current partner and I am panicked. Is this because I have no one else that I’m interested in? If that’s true, then I can’t be alone. This realization has really upset me because I have never considered myself as “needy.” I am independent and successful and feel pretty balanced. This has really thrown me off. Please tell me what’s going on. Am I really needy or am I fooling myself and I’m really a commitment phobe after all?
Female, 40, Executive, Toronto, Canada
Dear Can’t-Be-Alone,
You are correct to assume that you have a neediness, but let’s not use that term, as it’s quite harsh and derogatory. What you have is a need for the presence of a partner. The real question is, what is that need based on?
Neediness exists because we are not giving ourselves what we really require – ultimately, self-love. But, I must take this to another level in order to explain this phenomenon properly.
To put it simply, everything in the known universe is comprised of energy. The phenomenon that you experience as “attraction” is merely your perceiving of another’s energy field. Consider this the next time you are in someone’s presence. How do they make you feel? Take the mental experience out of it, and consider the physical sensation of being in certain people’s vicinity. You will note a definite, perceptible feeling. Your mood is influenced directly by these sensations that you receive and then interpret as either desirable or undesirable. This is why we feel uplifted by certain people and literally drained by others. Uplifting people are desirable to be around, downers, not so much.
But, as is the case with most relationships, we can become dependent on another person’s energy for our sense of well-being and calm. This is in large part an explanation for people who claim to have trouble being alone with themselves. They are accustomed to being filled up with the attention, focus and interest that others direct at them. These same people report feeling anxious, edgy, panicky, or restless when that attention is absent. Instead of learning to be with themselves, they rush off to turn on the TV, the music, the lights, or make plans with other people. All are forms of energy, though not necessarily the kind we need. Artificial, or external forms of energy will serve in a pinch, but their effects are not long lasting and wear off relatively quickly.
In essence, while in a relationship, many people become addicted to their partner’s energy. This is why break-ups often feel similar to substance withdrawal. Energy is substance. What people really desire is a constant flow of loving energy. The only sure-fire way to obtain this, however, is to learn to generate it on your own. Generating our own energy is easy enough to do. To start, try being as present as possible and eliminate all self-criticism. Then try ceasing to engage in activities that you dislike, in favour of things that you are passionate about.
I always say that “nothing is a problem until it becomes a problem” and in your case, you have enjoyed the successive nature of your relationships thus far, until the small voice of doubt spoke up. I am not certain whether or not you have engaged in meta-cognition before now – thinking about your thoughts – but it is clear that your inner self is trying to get through to you now. It is revealing to you that you have some work to do on your self-worth. Yup, believe it or not, healthy, successful exec that you are, you have self-worth issues. Whenever we believe that we are not capable of making ourselves happy, we are stating our unworthiness. Whenever we believe we will perish and die if forced to spend quiet time with ourselves, there is a belief that we are not good enough.
I’ve given you a lot to consider in this post, I know. What I want to leave you with is this: you are being asked by your own subconscious to spend some time alone with yourself. During this time, it would be most productive if you would engage in some form of core inventory. Begin asking yourself big questions like: who am I? What do I think of myself? What do I believe to be true about myself? What am I most afraid of? These are big, existential life questions. But all you are required to do is ask and the answers will come. I recommend to all of my clients that they keep journals where they can record their questions, answers and revelations.
What you have recently learned is that there is a need within you, but what you are about to learn is that you are the only one who can fill it. It is no accident that there is no one else on your radar at the moment. (You could create one at the drop of a hat if you like, but I recommend that you resist the urge.) You are being asked to examine the reasons why you have always felt the need to be in a partnership. When you do, you will learn some interesting things about who you think you are, and who you really are.
And should you rush back into another relationship in the near future, do not beat yourself up. (Remember, you’re trying to cut out self-criticism.) The mere fact that you have begun questioning your life, in addition to our discussion here, means that you have opened a doorway to self-discovery. You will never again be able to have a relationship without considering the things that have been said here today. This knowledge invites the opportunity for you to observe your future relationships. Record and reflect on what you see.
I’m happy that you have begun to ask such important questions. I love seeing people wake up. We each deserve the very best life experience possible. And, when we understand that what we do with our experience is always within our control, then the sky’s the limit to what we can create.
Good luck!
T.T. xox
